dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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