so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize