i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
