hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
