It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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