Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm sobbing to NWA
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
