i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
