i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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