I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
