i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
