I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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