sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
