You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize