Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
