I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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