Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
The power of my boobs compel you
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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