I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
