I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
