woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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