My friends, they love my intelligence
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
