The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
