im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
