accomplished twins. life is a go
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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