I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
