just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I checked into jail on foursquare
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
