MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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