she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
