remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
