he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
