I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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