i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
