My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
These tits shall not be calmed
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
