so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
