my phone needs a breathalizer
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
