Whatcha textin bout Willis?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
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