My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
