I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize