So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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