In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize