You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
