Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
