i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
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