you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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