i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
