Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
