forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
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