were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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