I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
