I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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