Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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