your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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