I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
