My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
