I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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