just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
