and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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