My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Can vaginas get frostbite?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize