I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Randomize
