3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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